(pause)

COSTELLO: Can you tell me the left fielder's name?

ABBOTT: Why.

COSTELLO: Because!

ABBOTT: Oh, he's center field. (pause) I can't help it, Lou--these are the guys' names.

 

(pause)

COSTELLO: Look, you got a pitcher on this team?

ABBOTT: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

COSTELLO: Okay, tell me the pitcher's name.

ABBOTT: Tomorrow.

 

(pause)

COSTELLO: You don't wanna tell me today?

ABBOTT: I'm tellin' you now.

COSTELLO: Then go ahead.

ABBOTT: Tomorrow.

COSTELLO: What time?

ABBOTT: What time what?

COSTELLO: What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who's pitching?

ABBOTT: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir--

COSTELLO: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM you say Who's on first! I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.

ABBOTT: What's on second.

COSTELLO: I don't know.

ABBOTT & COSTELLO: THIRD BASE!

COSTELLO: You got a catcher?

ABBOTT: Oh, absolutely.

COSTELLO: The catcher's name?

ABBOTT: Today.

COSTELLO: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

ABBOTT: Now you've got it.

COSTELLO: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

ABBOTT: Well, I can't help that.

COSTELLO: Well, I'm a catcher too.

ABBOTT: I know that.

COSTELLO: Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

ABBOTT: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

ABBOTT: Well, that's all you have to do.

COSTELLO: --is to throw the ball to first base.

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Now who's got it?

ABBOTT: Naturally!

COSTELLO: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?

ABBOTT: Naturally!

 

(pause)

COSTELLO: Who caught it?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

 

(pause)

COSTELLO: Who?

ABBOTT: Naturally!

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

ABBOTT: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it.

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That's right. There we go.

COSTELLO: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

ABBOTT: You don't!

COSTELLO: I throw it to who?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

ABBOTT: No you're not, Lou.

COSTELLO: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.

ABBOTT: You don't--you throw it to Who?

COSTELLO: Naturally!

ABBOTT: Well, say that!

COSTELLO: THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I throw the ball to who?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: You ask me.

ABBOTT: You throw the ball to Who?

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That's it.

COSTELLO: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?

ABBOTT: Naturally!

COSTELLO: Who has it?

ABBOTT: Naturally!

COSTELLO: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow--triple play!

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Another guy gets up--it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a damn!

ABBOTT: What was that?

COSTELLO: I said I don't give a damn!

ABBOTT: Oh, that's our shortstop.

 

(Costello has a caniption-fit.)